✨ NEWSLETTER #3 — “Yeti vs. The Human Alarm Clock.”

Hey Humans, It’s Yeti…

Today’s story is about mornings, specifically, how humans make mornings way harder than necessary.

 

FEATURE STORY

Why Humans Should Not Be Allowed to Set Their Own Alarms

Humans, I’ve watched you for years now, and I’ve concluded:
You are terrible at waking up.

Every morning, without fail, the human alarm goes off. And instead of waking up like a normal creature, you slap the alarm, growl, roll over, sigh dramatically, set another alarm, and repeat. It is the laziest cardio routine I’ve ever seen.

Great Danes wake up instantly. We hear one sound—boom—we’re up. Ready. Focused. Suspicious.

But humans? You act like waking up is optional.

My human sets five alarms. Five. All labeled things like:

• “Get UP!”
• “Seriously, GET UP!!”
• “You’re LATE.”
• “Your life is falling apart.”
• “Last chance, buddy.”

Humans are stressed before they even stand up.

But here’s what humans don’t understand:
I am the real alarm clock.

Every day, exactly 11 minutes before your alarm goes off, I begin my morning routine.

I walk to the edge of the bed. I sigh loudly. I place one paw onto your ribcage. You gasp, like this is the first time you’ve ever experienced weight.

You say, “Yeti… why?”
Because, human. You should be awake. Breakfast exists. Routines matter. And I’m hungry.

But you roll over. And then comes step two: the Great Dane Lean.
Have you ever had 150 pounds of love lean gently, yet firmly, into your spine at 6:30 a.m.? It changes you. It makes you rethink your life choices.

Once that fails, I go to phase three: heavy breathing.
Not aggressive. Just… aware. Loud enough that you know I’m there, quiet enough that you hope I’m not. Like a polite ghost.

But humans do not get up.

Then I try reason. I start pacing loudly, Shoosh-shoosh-shoosh across the floor. You pretend not to hear it.

Finally, the last resort.
The nuclear option.
The cold nose pressed to the back of your arm.

Humans can sleep through alarms.
Humans cannot sleep through a cold, damp, excellently targeted Great Dane nose.

Boom. You’re awake. Not happy, but awake.

You sit up and say, “Yeti, come on…”

Yes. Come on. Breakfast is not going to pour itself.

Meanwhile, my children are standing behind me like a support group. Thor is stretching dramatically. Mocha is staring like she’s analyzing your soul. Spicey Pumpkin is blinking slowly like she just came back from a dream sequence.

But here’s the thing—once you finally wake up, you do something odd:
You immediately start complaining about how tired you are.

Are you tired?
Humans. You slept for eight hours. I slept for 3 minutes, then woke up because you turned over too loudly.

But the funniest part? After refusing to get out of bed, you immediately rush around the house like you’re a contestant on a cooking show. Where was this energy ten minutes ago? You’re moving fast, but badly, knocking over cups, losing your keys twice, trying to put on two different shoes.

And then, after all that chaos, you leave for work and say, “Okay, Yeti, be good today.”

I am always good.
You are the one who cannot operate in the morning.

 

SECOND ARTICLE

Great Dane Tip Corner: “Morning Routines That Keep Danes Happy (and Humans Sane)”

structure—especially in the mornings. Here’s how to build a smooth routine:

1. Consistent wake-up time

Danes are creatures of habit. Once they learn Great Danes thrive with “breakfast happens at 7,” they expect breakfast at EXACTLY 7. Not 7:03. Not 7-ish. Seven.

2. Bathroom break first

This prevents pacing, whining, and “the look”—you know the one.

3. Light exercise early

A short walk or yard play burns off stress energy and reduces clinginess later.

4. Calm feeding environment

We eat best when it’s quiet. If you drop a fork or slam a cabinet, we assume danger.

5. Mental enrichment

Puzzle feeders, scent games, or training reps help keep Danes balanced throughout the day.

6. Avoid morning chaos

Your stress becomes our stress. Move slower. Speak calmer. Act like you’ve done mornings before.

7. Morning cuddle time helps everything

Even 3 minutes of affection sets the tone for the whole day.

Your morning routine becomes our morning routine, and if yours is peaceful, ours will be too.

 

CLOSING

“Humans, if your alarm needs an alarm… go to bed earlier.” — Yeti

👉 Blog: GR Dane Blog
👉 Podcast: Danes Delight by Yeti Podcasts